Marriage is Teamwork

By Dr. Paul Coleman

            Men and women tend to have fundamental differences in communication styles and techniques, which often lead to arguments and misunderstandings. Remembering and using the communication techniques that make up GIFTS (Gentle, In-flight repairs, Find hidden concerns, Teamwork, Supportive comments) will transform difficult conversation into rewarding and intimate experiences.

            Following is advice on giving GIFTS to avoid the gaffs:

Gentle

Try to begin discussions with a gentle touch. Keep your engines purring. (Roaring engines are a major gaff, especially at the outset of a conversation.) Anger is allowed, but do your utmost to start the conversation less harshly. “I’m angry and want to talk about this…” is a gentler start-up than, “I can’t believe you ignored my parents the entire night! Don’t you know how rude that was?”

            Research is clear that when it comes to making complaints, women are more likely to begin with their engines roaring instead of purring. This is probably due to the fact that women anticipate men withdrawing from the discussion early—so their frustrations show right away. Women must learn to start gently, and men must learn to hang in there when conversations get a bit intense.

In-flight repairs

Difficult conversations, by definition, can escalate into miserable arguments. “Repair” comments such as “I shouldn’t have said that…I’m feeling overwhelmed, can we take a break and talk again in 15 minutes?…Please speak more softly…Can we begin again?” and others act like circuit breakers that keep emotional energy from exploding.

            Premature withdrawal from difficult conversations is a major gaff that most men make. Making in-flight repairs prevents that mistake. Repairs have a calming effect on both partners and enable men to have staying power.

Find hidden concerns

Many arguments are not what you are arguing about. Deeper issues of Do you really love me? Am I important to you? Is this relationship fair? can lie underneath. Ignoring these hidden issues is a gaff. Inquiring about such concerns may help you realize why your partner seems irrationally upset about something that seems minor to you. He or she may really be upset about something unstated.

            Women are more intuitive and can therefore detect underlying issues. Usually better listeners, women make eye contact more than men, and often sense subtle variations in tone and timing of speech. They detect apparent contradictions between the speaker’s words and nonverbal language and may assume that despite what the man actually said, they know exactly what he meant. (Men hate it when that happens!)

Teamwork

If you must “win” an argument, then the relationship loses and you have committed a major gaff. You are both on the same team, not adversaries. Unless you treat each other as such, nobody really wins. Teamwork implies a willingness to be influenced by your partner to some degree and to yield on certain points. No stubborn standoffs! Instead, find ways to say “that makes sense…I can understand why you feel that way…I’ll go along with that…” Teamwork also means making time for one another during the day.

            If someone is refusing to yield on certain points and has a hard time admitting that their partner’s view has some merit, that someone is usually the man. Women are more willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship whereas some men regard being right as more important than being friends.

Supportive comments

            Reassure your spouse that you love him or her. Show appreciation for what was done right. Don’t make a gaff by always criticizing what you dislike. Let your partner know that you are proud of his or her accomplishments. If your partner is troubled or upset (especially if it’s not about you), try to empathize.

            A woman has tremendous power in this arena. A man flourishes when he believes that his wife has faith in him and is proud of his accomplishments. Especially if he is going through a rough time personally, a wife who says, “I have faith in you” will boost his confidence (even if he initially scoffs at the remark). She doesn’t necessarily need to help him explore his feelings. In fact, he might feel more vulnerable doing that. Men are supportive when they help a women explore her feelings. However, many men quickly get to “I’m sure it will all work out” as their attempt at support, and then try to change the subject.

This was taken from Dr. Coleman’s book How to Say It for Couples, published by Prentice Hall Press.